Right now, I’ve got a problem with group frustration.
I’m punching above my paygrade at work – and it’s frustrating. As a personal ethic, I believe you should punch however hard you can punch. Not people; people-cases you should modulate (do I need to bulldoze this person? Do they need to know all this information? Am I patronising them? Am I over-valuing them?). But work is work. Do the best job you can.
But at a certain point a few weeks ago I just hit a plateau where I just don't give as much of a shit anymore. Not no shits: I value being valued. I value doing my work. I'm actually valued by my peers and my superiors. I've gained some quantity of respect from them.
Still, the adage of never work for free? Holds. I am, obviously, not working for free. But they won't promote me this year because of corporate restructuring, and they couldn't raise me last year because of corporate bullshit. So now I'm a first-and-a-half year hire prancing roughshod over company-wide policy, shooting from the hip because every time I ask would any senior like to point this gun? the answer is eh, do what you judge best because we don't care enough to not trust you.
That's perhaps an oversimplification. But here's the difference between a leader I'll follow into the trenches (a Rufus Shinra, maybe, or a Kusanagi Motoko) and a leader I'll watch trip into a ditch: the former makes you feel part of an optimistic system.
I don't think an optimistic system necessarily needs to be a happy system. Maybe progressive is a better word? Or a vision? Whatever the word. I want a charismatic and technical leader. I need a charismatic and technical leader. Sell me your world and I'll build it for you, because I'm a good foreman but gods above am I a bad architect.
And right now it feels like I'm architecting my own path. Just bushwhacking through a system of incompetency on the right and vision that fell through on the left. Ambitious and vaguely rubbish. I'm thinking for my leaders, in some ways, and I don't want to do that. I want to want to be part of a system, and that's hard when I feel like I'm constructing bits of it out of bullshit I pull out of my ass.
Point is, there's group frustration. My seniors want shit done, but don't have the capacity or creativity to see it through. I want to get shit done for my seniors, but don't have the entirety of technical experience or, let's face it, clout to push their agenda through for them. They're frustrated at the system. I'm frustrated with their frustration at the system. We all hold hands during coffee breaks and understand the hard work we're doing, but I feel like an idiot monkey bashing nearly-Hamlet out on a typewriter.
I came home today fucked up and tired, and I thought to myself - let's play a game. I logged onto Overwatch, which is the dumbest idea I've had since... I'm not sure. I can't think of something I've done that's so dumb. Because after 9-5 of group frustration, I jumped right into the most group-frustration-y game possible. Six strangers shooting shit and failing. Nearly succeeding, too, which is worse. It'd have been better, maybe, if I'd just died 20 times in a row and done nothing. But I was mediocre. 60% okay. And each time at the end I'd zone out, or fuck up, or our team would fall to pieces, and it sucks.
I don't know where I'm going with this one. I think the gist is, I/you/people have to have a sense of balance. Frustration has to be balanced: either with success, or compensation, or satisfaction. And satisfaction in a job well done, when the job is – if not pointless as a learning exercise – fruitless as an executive one? Is nothing.
/sighs This is a ramble. Pied pipers don't exactly fall from the sky. Maybe I just need to learn how to play the fucking flute.
In other news, I've given up on this city in a lot of ways. I think instead of meeting people, I need to get the fuck out of here in a year or two: and in the meantime? Just... self-improve. Learn some Latin, pick up an instrument, get fit at the gym, relearn my cursive, read a bunch of good books, just hone hone hone until I can take comfort in time well spent, even if there's missing good company.
Wow. This is fucked, world. This is really, really fucked.
There shouldn't be a routine for dealing with grief and loss for the LGBTA community, but here I am. Trying to find the words and realising what's about to spill off the tips of my fingers is a checklist. Keep calm, carry on–
* Kitchen is coming down (!!!!)
* Wallet is blowing up, as a result
* Got an enormous garden plot; I now have genetic greed
* Work is just a line of incompetent people sometimes
* Fun things with my hair
* I've missed every single midyear challenge, I feel: if anyone has any other prompts/challenges/bingos out there...
Declutter has sort of failed in that I ran out of energy to pull everything out all at once. I may give it a second whack today, unless I go a-writing letters.
It is hard being in the wrong country for everything.
I'm going to try a major declutter tomorrow. Serious one. Throw out 50% of my stuff declutter. We'll see how it goes.
Just wrapped up Liu Cixin's Three Body Problem and that was a bloody fine read. Some really good, thought-provoking bits and baubles of physics – theoretical and applied! – and some of the finest damned description of multi-dimensional thinking I've ever read packed into delicious historical context with lots of sideways look at the progression of science as a social phenomenon. In a sci-fi book! In a sci-fi book! I haven't enjoyed myself this much in ages.
Going to pick up the second book now, and just unwind. It's been a long-ass 2016 already, but... Not bad. Busy, but not bad. Not doing too good on my original/fic writing resolutions, but work is going – well. I can't really internet anymore because I'm so tired coming back from the job, but I think it'll start to... burn in.
I still want to get more social goals fulfilled, but for now? This is... all right. It's been a while since life was... all right.
* No, not dead
* Yes, new car
* Yes, new things at job
* No, haven't managed to write anything original ):
* Yes, have written lots of boys
* No, haven't managed to get cards out to a lot of people I owe them to
* Yes, miss all the DW and tumblr people ):
* Yes, Deadpool was amazing
* Yes, Kwaidan is amazing
* Yes, Tale of the Heike is amazing
* No, I still haven't found a fandom from this century
- get changed to a different project at work that requires me to pick up a new front-end framework;
- crash car, badly. No one is injured but the car is crashed, I have to go to court for insurance reasons, and have I mentioned crashed car?;
- learn car is beyond saving;
- fly home literally across the world for three days worth of new year's celebrations;
- get new car because insurance is wonderful;
- return back from literally across the world, completing 40+ hours of flight time only to get power tripped on by border control officials whose sole job at this point seems to be making people who legally enter the US fear for their livelihoods;
so. yes. um. my wordcount is not doing too hot. i'm okay! just sort of... shellshocked. and in spite of all of that, 2016 still seems to be doing better than 2015.
this month's resolutions
- lose .8kg
- accomplish work goal #1 and #2 at least
- write one piece of porn for AO3
- arrange to have 1 personal trainer session in march
SO IF I HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND THAT'S WHY
[EDIT] Also I tried to get my hair dyed black-blue but I literally ended up with black. Salon's so expensive that I'm not sure they'll refund me if I go back being like, so... That didn't... work out at all....
[EDIT2] Also started garden for the new year. This time around: every salad green mix known to mankind; butterhead; romaine; trout leaf; some wonderful roma looking tomato; arugula; spinach; two ambitious beans; two even more ambitious chillis
So, in an attempt to not be totally a shambles for getyourwordsout
, I'm keeping track of how much I'm writing drabbles in my RP as well. Which is a strange thing to do, since a) I've written in this format and with Elemental for so long it... barely even counts? It's as second-nature as breathing to me most days now, and having that other person around to both cheerlead and read in a zero-stress, not-here-to-impress mode is like having nuclear energy in an otherwise steam-powered era. That metaphor got away from me. Also b) since it's almost 100% original characters or iterations at this point, there's no fret. There's no plot, even though there is a lot of accidental plot. It's mindless self indulgence and
I realise that's utterly the point of something like this challenge: to general enough critical mass that I find myself at a point where I can declare the garbage heap a mountain of potential instead /grumbles
Still, it's hard – I've written most of my best fics when I was alone
. And now I've got about... 0 personal time? I wake up, I do 15 minutes of stretches, I write in longhand, get breakfast, then go code for 8 hours. I get home, make dinner, optionally go to the gym, eat dinner, then watch tv with Boy for a few hours, bang out some RP on the side, and then fall asleep in a haze. Weekdays barely exist for me. Weekends are better, but a lot of it is recovering from the weekday. ( BlatheringCollapse )
Hurrah! You've made it through an entirely rambling post about mental health diagnositics, way too much personal information, and Aristotle. /o\ To think that post was supposed to be "I want more personal time in the evenings" and nothing more...
I have signed up for getyourwordsout
(75K/2016), that's what.
WHAT AM I DOING. I haven't written consistently since 2011! Or 2010! I don't even remember!
GetYourWordsOut: Year Eight!
Pledges & Requirements | GYWO.net
Sign-ups close tonight! Or they may already be closed! I'm on a strange timezone.
In any case, THIS IS GOING TO BE !!!! If I count how much I co-write my original boys, I'd hit 75K in less than two months. But I'm going to actually try to get some original and fanfic things done this year.
January is already looking dire ha ha ha ha... ha....
Rounding back on some snowflake_challenge
prompts:Day 4: Post a fanwork
Out of nowhere, a year or more since its last update, comes a new chapter for Executive Reform: A. Seismology
Executive Reform is my strange Pacific Rim/FFVII fusion, most of it about, well, executive reform: a world in which Shinra accidentally ends up fighting for the good of the Planet instead of its bottom line. It doesn't make them automatically good people
; but it's an interesting ride trying to find out where they go.
The main chunk of Executive Reform focused on the latter-days of the war against the kaijuu
, when resources are running thin. It's probably my favourite AU universe: Junon in pieces, Midgar also in pieces, Edge not much more than a Shatterdome and slums while all the rich and connected have fled over the plains and into mountains. It's about how Turks and scientists and weapons engineers and megalomaniacal businesspeople turn into war strategists and war heroes and – really – war veterans who learn the price of things.
The alpha (as opposed to numeric) chapters as listed on Tumblr
are going to be about the earlier
parts of the War: back when SOLDIER was fighting and winning, and fighting kaijuu
almost seemed like a PR and propaganda gift from the heavens.
We shall see where it goes! I never plan for any of ER, but it always ends up being some of my favourite stuff – I've gone and played in the sandbox for literally millions of words in a private back-and-forth co-writing freefall.Day 9: In your own space, set some goals for the coming year. They can be fannish or not, public or private.
Non-fannish (this quarter):
- Lose 5kg by end of March, negotiable if I gain muscle mass
- Lift 80kgs by then
- Finish reading two coding books (one historical, one practical)
- Make and achieve some goals for learning Angular.js 1.5
- Finish reading at least 2 fiction books
- Write at least 8K of something original
Fannish (this year):
- New icons on DW for my current fandoms
- Get to 700 kudos this year
- Rec at least 3 canons (Rush, Chicken Rice Wars, Baru Cormorant?)
- Write a 15K+ fic
- Write for Vorkosigan, Clone Wars, Hikaru no Go
- Redeem myself for notprimetime and participate this year
- Participate in at least 2 other comms
- Meet some new people! Write with some new people!
Also, hi new fandom snowflake people! Please do come say hi!
Played squash today for the first time in a... half decade? And it felt glorious
So behind on snowflake_challenge
, but here's a shot:Day 11: In your own space, make a list of at least 3 things that you like about yourself.
Day 12: What makes you fannish? And by that we mean, what is it about a tv show/movie/book/band/podcast/etc that takes you from, "Yeah, I like that," to "I need MOAR!!!" Is it a character? A plotline? The pretty? Subtext that’s just screaming to be acknowledged?
- I seem to write all right?
- I'm pretty quick on the uptake?
- I, er, try not to be an ass to others?
In your own space, tell us what it is that gets you to cross that line into fandom.
Hm. The more I think about this, the more I think it's seeing other
people be fannish? I've had a lot of interest in things beaten out of me, whether by school or brain problems or life or exhaustion. But reading great things by inspired people, or hanging around a group of excited folk – that helps me get into things.
On a more tropeish level: incomplete
things make me fannish. It's supremely hard for me to get into fan stuff for canons I feel are pretty complete on their own – The Culture, for example, or a lot of Le Guin's stuff, even though I've tried hard to write for them. But things with a lot of potential that are badly executed or abbreviated ping me: Prince of Tennis (the former) and Hikaru no Go (the latter) are examples. Strong concepts, strong relationships – it's why I like reading Homestuck even if I can't be arsed with its canon.
I've struggled to get into fandom these last few years, so this is a particularly hard question. I'm still waiting for a fire to get lit beneath me – I honestly do think a few too many years scraping the bottom of the depression barrel has to do with this. But there's nothing a good fic won't solve... *g*